Not the Destiny Line

Jakarta, 08 June 2023

Sometimes we are blinded by our ego and ambition to get something, without ever realizing that what we are trying to achieve is not something that will be entirely ours. Likewise what happened to me now, if I flashback again to the past, I really feel my efforts are in vain for someone who thinks pessimistically and only has one goal. but that useless word doesn't apply to me completely. I must have felt disappointed, sad, and angry with myself at that time, but whatever power it didn't belong to me, so I couldn't accept what I thought was happiness for me, it wasn't for God.

It feels a bit like being carried away from the past, yes, if we retell it, 2019, our separation, affected each of us mentally, and started to keep each other busy. and find their own way of life. at that time, I had just finished my first education, I really felt that my life was very empty at that time, and wanted to try to forget his figure in my life. and our separation at first I felt there was no incompatibility between me and him, because of social status for example. his family expects his son to get a life partner according to his family's wishes who are smart, and rich or capable to be precise.

And that's what made me just back off, and on the one hand I felt he didn't really believe in me, didn't really think I was valuable, and I saw him looking at me at a different frequency and not his ideal figure. also see me as conservative and not open minded. Yet the reality is not like that. I'm not someone who isn't open minded, and instead I think he's the one who's conservative in the cultural rules that his family aims for when we're together. finally 2019 I decided to continue my further education in the sense that I no longer want to sink into sadness too deep anymore, because in my way of thinking I can't walk side by side with someone who doesn't really want me. but in the end I was still optimistic at that time, and besides that my goal was to go to college so that I could be chosen by him, and wanted by his parents and family. finally I continued my life by seeking new experiences, meeting new people, going to college again and so on.

And while I was in college, I didn't just go to college, but I really proved on social media that I really want to look appropriate and appropriate if he often sees my social media, by me updating seminars, moderating seminars outside of campus activities, even me too. showing me cum laude, working very hard and hard, saving earnestly until 2022. but my feelings, ambitions, hopes were suddenly broken again and again by him.

Year 2023, suddenly he informed me, my heart was very happy, I thought he would give news to be serious with me, it turns out I was wrong, fate brought another hope, he told me to tell me on purpose that he was going to get married and how surprised I was that day came he got married right on my birthday February 4th. and he asked me to delete his contact number so we don't connect with each other.

Instantly my feelings were fragile as fragile as fragile, there I felt my feelings were messed up, how could I not, the figure that I wanted to be my life partner forever even left me without feelings. and from here I realize that no matter how strong I believe he is mine, no matter how hard I try to fight, no matter how strong my ambition is to get it if it's not the line of destiny, it won't happen, because our destiny is not what we want. but from here I really learned the meaning of self-ability to accept reality. but behind it all, I have never regretted my efforts until this moment. although then and now the goals are different. but I'm proud of myself until now to be able to go further than what I expected before.

And I believe that one day I will definitely be given someone by God with someone who really wants me, who loves me, but I can feel that figure is very close to me, and I hope I can be matched with him, he is my current partner. amen