There are Memories of Mangrove Forests

 

Jakarta, Maret 2018

there are not many words to describe this place, this place seems simple but meaningful and memorable. At first I didn't suspect that this place has its own chemistry in my life until this moment. it feels happy mixed with sadness when I have to remember memories 5 years ago, where exactly I was still in semester 7 at that time and I knew him. In the beginning, knowing him seemed normal, but after a long time it became an unforgettable moment. His figure gives color and happiness to my life that I have never felt before for anyone. I don't know in what way he can convince this heart and feel true love. He is a new color and I usually call the color giver. I once dreamed so deeply that one day I could live with him, but why was fate not on my side to be with him, all of a sudden all my hopes and dreams seemed to be forcibly erased within me. what is happening right now is letting go of himself to be happy. actually there are many things that I know about what he is hiding and he feels for me, but why am I not angry at him at all, I don't hate him at all. because if I hate him if I'm angry at him it's the same as I hate myself, it's the same as hurting myself. This Mangrove Forest taught me many things about me having to see the world, feel nature, and not be too harsh in circumstances. I say that thank you for all these life lessons for their presence in my life, thank you my best friend, friend in this world and the hereafter and forever.

Jakarta, 20 Agustus 2020

After 3 years have passed, I returned to this place, so many changes there, starting from the environment where everything changed unlike the previous year, of course for the better. but in 2020 I am not with the previous figure, but this time I am with a different figure who is still with me to this day. when I was there step by step step by step as if inviting me to go backwards. At a glance I still feel the memories but I'm trying to deny it all, and I don't want to imagine the past daydreams. let me keep it myself in this heart. I feel like crying, feel like screaming, feel like shedding tears, but I try not to look crybaby, look weak, look helpless without him, nor do I want to doubt someone who has with me right now. let that be my story and story in my old age, and will be the next and future lesson in my life, that love doesn't always go together right, but love always has meaning in every journey.

Acceptance Level

It's not easy for anyone to be faced with the reality that this reality is not the reality that you want to happen. living the days that are thought to be easy and definitely strong to live it turns out that inside it is like fragile. I really want to tell such a long story with someone who is trusted for what they feel, again, I'm the only one who can only keep it to myself. I have never felt this sad for anyone or with anyone before, but why when I heard this news my heart felt like something was missing in my soul.

February 4, 2023, where my birth day is also a historic day for him, and can be a day of sadness in my life every year, how come not everything is really beyond my prejudices which I never expected at all. but God stated otherwise, the happiness that I thought could come true for me, it all changed after hearing the news. but it's okay, I will keep it all in my heart, I will bury all the beautiful memories deep in my heart. it's enough for me to keep it for myself. maybe because her figure meant too much in my life that it was as if I had not accepted the situation at that time, but now I realize that love will find its own way, and she is not my way, she chose a different path.

It's true, no matter how strong, no matter how worthy I am to be able to be with him, if it's not the line of destiny, then still the hope of being united and together it won't happen, God, thank you for presenting his figure in my life as a lesson in this life. from him I learned the meaning of hard work, appreciating hard work, loving sentient beings and patience. believe me one day I will still always love him and will always love him in the deepest space of my heart.

if we are not united in this world I always ask God one day we can be together in heaven later, in this life I don't ask for position, wealth, wealth that's not what I want, I set aside my ambition for that, what I want as long as it is to feel that lost happiness.

2017 was the most memorable year of my life but 2019 was the saddest year and turned that happiness into loss, and 2023 was the year when I had to explore the highest level of love, namely the level of acceptance.

Jakarta, 4 May 2023