Not the Destiny Line

Jakarta, 08 June 2023

Sometimes we are blinded by our ego and ambition to get something, without ever realizing that what we are trying to achieve is not something that will be entirely ours. Likewise what happened to me now, if I flashback again to the past, I really feel my efforts are in vain for someone who thinks pessimistically and only has one goal. but that useless word doesn't apply to me completely. I must have felt disappointed, sad, and angry with myself at that time, but whatever power it didn't belong to me, so I couldn't accept what I thought was happiness for me, it wasn't for God.

It feels a bit like being carried away from the past, yes, if we retell it, 2019, our separation, affected each of us mentally, and started to keep each other busy. and find their own way of life. at that time, I had just finished my first education, I really felt that my life was very empty at that time, and wanted to try to forget his figure in my life. and our separation at first I felt there was no incompatibility between me and him, because of social status for example. his family expects his son to get a life partner according to his family's wishes who are smart, and rich or capable to be precise.

And that's what made me just back off, and on the one hand I felt he didn't really believe in me, didn't really think I was valuable, and I saw him looking at me at a different frequency and not his ideal figure. also see me as conservative and not open minded. Yet the reality is not like that. I'm not someone who isn't open minded, and instead I think he's the one who's conservative in the cultural rules that his family aims for when we're together. finally 2019 I decided to continue my further education in the sense that I no longer want to sink into sadness too deep anymore, because in my way of thinking I can't walk side by side with someone who doesn't really want me. but in the end I was still optimistic at that time, and besides that my goal was to go to college so that I could be chosen by him, and wanted by his parents and family. finally I continued my life by seeking new experiences, meeting new people, going to college again and so on.

And while I was in college, I didn't just go to college, but I really proved on social media that I really want to look appropriate and appropriate if he often sees my social media, by me updating seminars, moderating seminars outside of campus activities, even me too. showing me cum laude, working very hard and hard, saving earnestly until 2022. but my feelings, ambitions, hopes were suddenly broken again and again by him.

Year 2023, suddenly he informed me, my heart was very happy, I thought he would give news to be serious with me, it turns out I was wrong, fate brought another hope, he told me to tell me on purpose that he was going to get married and how surprised I was that day came he got married right on my birthday February 4th. and he asked me to delete his contact number so we don't connect with each other.

Instantly my feelings were fragile as fragile as fragile, there I felt my feelings were messed up, how could I not, the figure that I wanted to be my life partner forever even left me without feelings. and from here I realize that no matter how strong I believe he is mine, no matter how hard I try to fight, no matter how strong my ambition is to get it if it's not the line of destiny, it won't happen, because our destiny is not what we want. but from here I really learned the meaning of self-ability to accept reality. but behind it all, I have never regretted my efforts until this moment. although then and now the goals are different. but I'm proud of myself until now to be able to go further than what I expected before.

And I believe that one day I will definitely be given someone by God with someone who really wants me, who loves me, but I can feel that figure is very close to me, and I hope I can be matched with him, he is my current partner. amen

There are Memories of Mangrove Forests

 

Jakarta, Maret 2018

there are not many words to describe this place, this place seems simple but meaningful and memorable. At first I didn't suspect that this place has its own chemistry in my life until this moment. it feels happy mixed with sadness when I have to remember memories 5 years ago, where exactly I was still in semester 7 at that time and I knew him. In the beginning, knowing him seemed normal, but after a long time it became an unforgettable moment. His figure gives color and happiness to my life that I have never felt before for anyone. I don't know in what way he can convince this heart and feel true love. He is a new color and I usually call the color giver. I once dreamed so deeply that one day I could live with him, but why was fate not on my side to be with him, all of a sudden all my hopes and dreams seemed to be forcibly erased within me. what is happening right now is letting go of himself to be happy. actually there are many things that I know about what he is hiding and he feels for me, but why am I not angry at him at all, I don't hate him at all. because if I hate him if I'm angry at him it's the same as I hate myself, it's the same as hurting myself. This Mangrove Forest taught me many things about me having to see the world, feel nature, and not be too harsh in circumstances. I say that thank you for all these life lessons for their presence in my life, thank you my best friend, friend in this world and the hereafter and forever.

Jakarta, 20 Agustus 2020

After 3 years have passed, I returned to this place, so many changes there, starting from the environment where everything changed unlike the previous year, of course for the better. but in 2020 I am not with the previous figure, but this time I am with a different figure who is still with me to this day. when I was there step by step step by step as if inviting me to go backwards. At a glance I still feel the memories but I'm trying to deny it all, and I don't want to imagine the past daydreams. let me keep it myself in this heart. I feel like crying, feel like screaming, feel like shedding tears, but I try not to look crybaby, look weak, look helpless without him, nor do I want to doubt someone who has with me right now. let that be my story and story in my old age, and will be the next and future lesson in my life, that love doesn't always go together right, but love always has meaning in every journey.

Acceptance Level

It's not easy for anyone to be faced with the reality that this reality is not the reality that you want to happen. living the days that are thought to be easy and definitely strong to live it turns out that inside it is like fragile. I really want to tell such a long story with someone who is trusted for what they feel, again, I'm the only one who can only keep it to myself. I have never felt this sad for anyone or with anyone before, but why when I heard this news my heart felt like something was missing in my soul.

February 4, 2023, where my birth day is also a historic day for him, and can be a day of sadness in my life every year, how come not everything is really beyond my prejudices which I never expected at all. but God stated otherwise, the happiness that I thought could come true for me, it all changed after hearing the news. but it's okay, I will keep it all in my heart, I will bury all the beautiful memories deep in my heart. it's enough for me to keep it for myself. maybe because her figure meant too much in my life that it was as if I had not accepted the situation at that time, but now I realize that love will find its own way, and she is not my way, she chose a different path.

It's true, no matter how strong, no matter how worthy I am to be able to be with him, if it's not the line of destiny, then still the hope of being united and together it won't happen, God, thank you for presenting his figure in my life as a lesson in this life. from him I learned the meaning of hard work, appreciating hard work, loving sentient beings and patience. believe me one day I will still always love him and will always love him in the deepest space of my heart.

if we are not united in this world I always ask God one day we can be together in heaven later, in this life I don't ask for position, wealth, wealth that's not what I want, I set aside my ambition for that, what I want as long as it is to feel that lost happiness.

2017 was the most memorable year of my life but 2019 was the saddest year and turned that happiness into loss, and 2023 was the year when I had to explore the highest level of love, namely the level of acceptance.

Jakarta, 4 May 2023